1.
Do either you or your spouse currently have bitterness or resentment toward the other that seems to have been around for some time?
Correct Answer
C. WE NEVER HOLD RESENTMENT TOWARD EACH OTHER.
Explanation
Unresolved bitterness and resentment in a relationship are the biggest marriage killers. Smoldering resentment poisons your attitude and feelings in almost every situation, even times that should be happy. You must find a way to release the anger and forgive the other person. It is hard work, but it is the first thing you must do to have a healthy marriage.
2.
Has either one of you lost respect for the other?
Correct Answer
C. WE RESPECT EACH OTHER
Explanation
A loss of respect underlies every broken relationship and is the root of contempt. Respect is both a response (he/she is respectable) and a choice (I choose to treat you with respect regardless of how you behave). You must always choose respect or you will poison your relationship.
3.
Do either of you dislike the other person, even though you still have loving feelings toward them?
Correct Answer
C. WE LIKE EACH OTHER
Explanation
A deep and abiding friendship is at the foundation of a satisfying marriage. If you don't have this, your relationship is at risk.
4.
Has the man in the relationship been able to financially support the marriage successfully?
Correct Answer
A. YES. HE IS A HARD WORKER
Explanation
Most men derive their identity from their work, most women derive their identity from their relationships. If a man is unable to provide for his family, he is not only irresponsible, but he is also very likely to be suffering from low self esteem. It is very difficult to love your mate if you don't love yourself.
5.
When you think of your history with your mate, are the memories more positive or negative?
Correct Answer
A. MOST ARE POSITIVE
Explanation
One of the telltale signs of the end of a relationship is the "rewriting" of the past in a negative light. If you think back on key index moments, like your wedding, and only see the negative, you are likely at the end of your rope.
6.
Is your sex life closer to being intimate and connecting or more towards missing the mark?
Correct Answer
A. INTIMATE AND PASSIONATE
Explanation
Sex is the physical manifestation of the invisible bond between two people and is the glue that keeps people bonded. It is both a reflection and a fuel. If your sex life is lacking, it often indicates that the bond is breaking down. It can also indicate deeper issues in the individual, and not necessarily the relationship. If this is the case, it is important to address the individual issue as this void could tear at your marriage.
7.
Do either of you currently have intimate feelings or desires towards someone outside your marriage?
Correct Answer
C. NO
Explanation
Intimate feelings outside of a marriage is an indication of a void in your marriage. What is the outside person giving you? This is the place to start with your mate.
8.
Do either of you watch porn more than once per month?
Correct Answer
B. NO
Explanation
Research indicates that pornography is poisonous to a sexual relationship. Neuroscience shows that exposure to porn decreases sexual pleasure and causes greater and greater independent sexual expression which compromises the desire for relationship. Not a good thing for marriage.
9.
Has either of you fallen out of love for the other?
Correct Answer
B. NO
Explanation
Falling out of love does not have to mean the end of the marriage. Feelings come and go, but if the feeling indicates that there is deep, unresolved bitterness in your marriage, this will kill the relationship. We see people fall back in love when the deep issues are addressed and forgiven and the bitter root is pulled out.
10.
When either of you attempts to end the fight and make up by accepting responsibility, apologizing or other, is the attempt accepted?
Correct Answer
A. YES, MOST OF THE TIME THAT WILL END THE FIGHT
Explanation
Attempts to make up are indicators that there is good will in the relationship, separate and apart from the conflict. If attempts are made and accepted it shows that the couple values the relationship more than winning the fight. If rejected, just the opposite is indicated, which bodes poorly for the survival of the marriage.
11.
Almost all couples get defensive when they fight, but do you and your spouse get so defensive that you just keep trying to prove the other wrong or win the fight?
Correct Answer
B. RARELY
Explanation
While defending yourself is understandable, it NEVER works. It will not bring you closer together. Defensiveness usually escalates the conflict and changes the focus from the problem to the defender, which sets the defender up for further attack.
12.
Have either of you shut down your hearts toward the other or given up on trying to make things work?
Correct Answer
C. NO
Explanation
A hardened heart is one of the first signs of death. If nothing is done to resuscitate the heart, indifference invades the marriage, it won't be long before it ends.
13.
When you fight, is it primarily to complain about a situation, or to criticize your mate?
Correct Answer
B. COMPLAIN ABOUT A SITUATION
Explanation
A fight based on a complaint is valid problem solving territory, like, "I need you to help more around the house". Criticism, on the other hand, focuses on the person, not the problem, and is often experienced as character assassination. "You are lazy and irresponsible", is an example of how NOT to fight. Couples who criticize each other are poisoning their relationship.
14.
How often do you spend time each week in constructive communication and interaction with each other?
Correct Answer
C. ALMOST EVERY DAY
Explanation
Research shows that a good marriage is not necessarily one with little conflict, but one with a lot of connection and met needs; emotional, sexual, recreational, etc. Needs cannot be met without undivided attention to them which takes time. Your marriage should be your top priority and time should be spent here first.
15.
When you talk about your mate to other people, is it primarily positive or negative?
Correct Answer
A. NEGATIVE
Explanation
Virtually every couple will complain about the old "ball and chain", but the couple whose dominant narrative about their mate is negative indicates trouble in the stability of the marriage.
16.
While every couple has their bad moments, what would you say is the dominant feeling when you and your mate are together?
Correct Answer
A. LOVE BEING TOGETHER
Explanation
A key indicator of a marriage going down hill is the basic feelings a couple has towards each other. These feelings are an indication of unresolved conflict.
17.
Are either of you currently struggling with any type of addictive behavior that is affecting the relationship?
Correct Answer
B. NO
Explanation
While addictive behavior can be minimalized, it always has a damaging effect on a relationship. Underneath the addiction is unresolved pain that makes it hard for anyone to be in a healthy relationship.
18.
Do either of you suffer from any type of mental disorder that cause conflict in your marriage?
Correct Answer
B. NO
Explanation
Untreated mental disorders can cause an enormous strain on a relationship. Be sure to stay on a prescribed treatment plan for the good of everyone involved.
19.
Do either of you have a really hard time letting go of past hurts?
Correct Answer
C. IT IS EASY TO GET OVER STUFF
Explanation
Couples that can't let go of the past allow a root of bitterness to grow in their relationship. This root takes hold and continues to grow, sometimes in the dark. Eventually, this root of bitterness will flavor every interaction with negativity and will poison your marriage. Get some help yanking this out by the roots.
20.
Do either of you have feelings of disgust towards the other person?
Correct Answer
B. NEVER
Explanation
Disgust is a gigantic red flag in any relationship. It indicates that the primary emotion of hurt or fear caused by an incident has been buried underneath a blanket of bitterness, and now you can't stand your mate. Your work will require you to dig deep, all the way back to the original pain and work to let go of the fermenting bitterness and anger and forgive.
21.
Do either of you hide your emails, phone calls, passwords or texts from the other or do either of you keep secrets from the other?
Correct Answer
B. NO
Explanation
The best relationships thrive on honestly and transparency. If you are hiding this information, you are probably also hiding your heart. Love cannot flourish and grow with a hidden heart, or a half-hearted relationship.
22.
Are either of you physically or verbally abusive in your relationship?
Correct Answer
C. NEVER
Explanation
While verbal and physical abuse are not key factors in predicting divorce rate, they are extremely destructive to the relationship. A marriage can tolerate a few outbursts, but consistent abuse will lead to divorce.
23.
When your spouse touches or kisses you do you find it?
Correct Answer
B. PLEASANT
Explanation
If you or your mate is annoyed or indifferent to touch and kisses, then you've either lost that loving feeling or one of you is wounded. It is almost impossible to maintain a primary relationship without physical affection, because physical affection is simply the manifestation of the invisible intimacy of the heart.
24.
Do each of you consider your mate your best friend?
Correct Answer
B. YES
Explanation
While not be each other's best friend is not an indicator of divorce, being each other's best friend is a strong indicator that you will stay together.
25.
Do you both believe that you and your mate have the capacity to grow and change?
Correct Answer
B. WE HAVE HOPE THAT WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT
Explanation
Relationships are always moving and growing or stagnating, even in the healthiest relationships. The simple act of aging requires change and growth. Learn to adapt and grow or you will ruin your marriage.
26.
Do either of you go for days without talking to the other because you have withdrawn or checked out?
Correct Answer
C. THIS NEVER HAPPENS WITH US
Explanation
This is called "stonewalling" and literally means that you have ceased to acknowledge your mate's existence, it is profoundly disrespectful and passive aggressive. It often comes in response to feeling overwhelmed by the negativity of your mate, but it does not work. The negativity grows stronger the more you stonewall. Learn to engage on the issues, don't run from them.
27.
How motivated are the both of you to save the marriage and make it work?
Correct Answer
A. WE ARE BOTH VERY MOTIVATED TO MAKE THINGS WORK
Explanation
Couples that are motivated to overcome problems, have a great chance of staying together. Some of the biggest problems in relationships can be conquered when both spouses are willing to put in the hard work. When one spouse checks out, it puts a great strain on the relationship.
28.
Do either of you have trust issues that are effecting the relationship?
Correct Answer
A. WE BOTH TRUST EACH OTHER
Explanation
Trust is a foundational element of every healthy relationship. It allows us to open our hearts and be vulnerable and naked with our mate without fear. It is only in the expression of genuine honesty that our deepest desires can be expressed and fulfilled. Get rid of anything that keeps you from trusting one another.
29.
Does it seem that only one of you apologizes and that the other one rarely admits that they are wrong?
Correct Answer
A. WE BOTH APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER FREQUENTLY
Explanation
The ability to admit you are wrong is a true sign of character and opens the door to forgiveness. Forgiveness gets rid of the animosity that is polluting your relationship and weighing it down. Learn to apologize and learn to forgive, it will bring life to your marriage.
30.
After you have an argument, how long does it take for you two to feel like the issue is behind you and everyone is forgiven.
Correct Answer
B. IT MAY TAKE A WHILE, BUT WE GET THERE
Explanation
It is normal to take a little while to heal from a battle, but hanging on to it is like putting a bullet in a gun. Eventually that gun is going to blow and someone will get hurt, and worse, the longer it stays loaded, the bigger the bullet gets. Learn to forgive quickly. If possible, don't let the sun go down on your anger.