Rio de Janeiro
Sydney
Tehran
Brighton
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Ugly cats
Prince William lookalikes
Bathroom plungers
Roasted duck
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Bad breath
Bad body odur
Bad beards
Bad father issues and low self-esteem
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Ireland
Afghanistan
South Africa
North Korea
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His wallet
His favourite Cliff Richard cassette tape
His elderly mother
His dignity
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Must have no hair on body
Must have the same name as his ex-girlfriend
Must be open to the idea that dinosaurs are a conspiracy
Must enjoy cuddling and/or spooning
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No celebrities turned up
It’s been discovered that there is no literary heritage on the island
Peter Andre is no longer considered a ‘celebrity’
The locals are ‘miserable, whining tightwads’
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