Who Is Your Despot Dream Boat?

Camel milk

Hennessy Cognac with shark fin

Halal food

Chimukuyu and Dovi (dried beef in peanut butter sauce)

Arepas (Corn meal patty filled with meat, eggs, tomatoes, salad, cheese, shrimp, or fish)

Mutton and vodka

Anti-imperialist baseball game. Your date throws the first pitch

Box seats at a militaristic stadium show with a cast of thousands

Roasting marshmallows on the burning remnants of a family’s farm

Romantic camping trip in a Bedouin tent, surrounded by scores of virgin bodyguards

No date. Fast forward to arranged marriage

Shooting tigers in the Urals

PhD in Transportation Engineering and Planning

Bachelors in Marxist Political Theory

401st KGB school in Okhta, Leningrad

Seven degrees, including two law degrees earned while in prison and revoked honorary degrees

Military education in England and Greece

Academy of Military Sciences

He secretly gives you the honor of carrying his love child.

He tortures anyone who does not declare you the most beautiful woman in the country

He offers to take you as his second wife.

He promotes you from your position as his virginal bodyguard.

He kidnaps your director husband to remake your favorite movie with you as the star (and him as the hero)

Your pesky ex mysteriously succumbs to mercury poisoning.

Rippling alabaster muscles

If you saw him from behind, you would think he was a fifth grader at the local hagwon whose mom wanted a girl so she dejectedly styles his hair in a bouffant.

An ironically portly frame in the image of his despised imperialist foes

If he had his back waxed, five cancer patients would get wigs

Madeleine Albright body double

You haven’t seen that kind of physique since you accidentally walked in on Great Uncle Melvin changing at the nursing home.

Wife abusing (allegedly) playboys who pay millions for performances from Mariah Carey and Beyonce.

Two beloved dogs named Koni and Buffy and two multilingual daughters

Illegitimate love spawn conceived while wife was dying of kidney problems.

Overweight Korean who tried to pass as a Dominican on a fake passport

Slightly nerdy looking engineers

Thousands of random street kids named Hugo with chia pet hair

“I hereby accuse the North American empire of being the biggest menace to our planet.”

"In (my country) we don't have homosexuals like in your country... In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this."

"Our party must continue to strike fear in the heart of the white man, our real enemy.”

"if you are straight you have nothing to fear from AIDS"

“The strengthening of our statehood is, at times, deliberately interpreted as authoritarianism.”

The revolution is carried out by means of one's thought, not through one's family background.”

Khaki zip-up pantsuit with oversized shades

An eclectic mix of Kwanza, Miami Vice and military chic

Shirtless with an Ak-47

Business casual in muted tones-think San Diego mortgage company

Target employee

Hand me down suits from the Ronald Reagan era

Thinning blond comb over

Puffy mushroom cloud, ironically declaring military aspirations

Closely cropped with the texture of steel wool

Lightly gelled body wave in homage to Little Richard

Aging Elvis bangs in front with carefully trimmed facial hair

Chia pet